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06/10/2004:

"Dead Reagan in '04"

by Rootsie

It is clear from the media frenzy of the past few days that a new political powerhouse has burst upon the scene. What could be more obvious?
Dead Reagan for President in ’04!

Here is the candidate who can trump the opposition (ANY opposition), please all the people all the time, and come up smelling like a rose (or whatever nice thing they make him smell like).

Here is the candidate to bring a lump to the throat and a patriotic tear to the eye.

The American people don’t want a president full of pesky words and ideas. They want a symbol of comfort and optimism. His perpetual repose and chemically-enhanced eye-twinkle will win the masses over.

For style over substance, which Americans so clearly prefer, who better than Reagan, dressed in his blue suit and red tie in one of those Leninesque glass coffins? So presidential. And he can’t open his mouth and mess it up.

Pretty much everyone on the planet would prefer a dead American president over the live ones they’ve had to deal with.

Those who found Reagan vicious and stupid when alive would take constant comfort in seeing that he remains seriously dead.

Those who loved him tend to be the sentimental types who would be thrilled to have him back, no matter his condition.

He would not tell a lie. Would not tell. Would not.

A Dead Reagan would mean pretty much business as usual, a vote for the status quo, which would attract conservatives and liberals alike. Reagan was after all as good as dead throughout most of his presidency. He, like little GW, was a smiling figurehead. A Dead Reagan in ’04 candidacy could, on the down side, produce a backlash. I suppose Americans might wake up and seriously decide whether they like what the Presidency, what their country, has become. Perhaps they would feel inspired to elect someone who'd actually be doing the job, rather than for a corporate shill. But nah. And realistically, there's none of that type around in either party.

As it stands, take a poll and see whether I know what I’m talking about. Pit Dead Reagan against Bush or Kerry. He has the charisma, the name recognition, and Lord knows he has the momentum. Just thinking about him apparently inspires a nostalgic amnesia, a fond look back at the sweeter simpler times of Guatemala, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Grenada, when Saddam was our beloved friend and the Taliban was yet just a twinkle in Papa’s Reagan’s eye, when the torturers were our foreign clients instead of us. When the babbling brook of trickle-down kept people home on a Saturday night by the fire. Burning their furniture to keep warm.

As for violating term limits, it's a small price to pay. The Constitution is scoring very low in the polls these days.

Nothing will liven up this stultifying campaign season like a vibrant Dead Reagan candidacy. Every day will be like the last few, bristling with flags and tearful tributes. Morning in America. Morning after morning after morning.